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Almost Scientific Fact Of The Day 10/1/12

'British men typically have bigger penises than their French counterparts but are less well endowed than Germans, a new study has suggested. The average penis size for a British man is apparently 5.5in when erect - larger than the French at 5.3in, Australians (5.2in), Americans (5.1in) and Irish (5in).

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Friday
Apr132012

Epically Failing When The Sex Was There For The Taking  4/13/12

So, I got a message from an old friend of mine a few weeks ago with a great idea for a posting.  Here it is... If you’re a guy, then start paying very close attention right now.

from The OnionI'm here on a chick weekend and we were all just comparing notes about our husbands (which tends to happen on Girl's Weekend) and the times when they Epically Failed To Get Laid When They Should Have, and my friend shared this story-

‘We were going out to a party and it had been a while since we'd had a ‘date’, and I got really dressed up- short skirt, tall leather boots, etc., and I was definitely feeling attractive and sexy....until I went downstairs, and instead of saying 'wow, Honey, you look great' or anything like that, all my husband said was, 'Are you ready to leave?'

Ouch.

I was at the party on this particular evening and she looked AMAZING. And everyone told her so, all night. EXCEPT HER STUPID ASS HUSBAND. (Who is actually one of my best friends and I love him like a brother but sometimes he is a dumbass.)  

He did not get any action that night. And he so easily could have.....sad.  

"Are you ready yet?"And most of the wives had a similar story to share in which they got all dressed up and their hubbys failed to notice...and not only does it sting a little (or sometimes a lot) but seriously, all these men had to do was:   

1. notice that she looks nice

2. say so

3. bonus points for a sly wink or public compliment during the party”

 

Quick question just out of interest- How many men just read that and thought something along these lines?

“Hahahaha.  Man!  What a bunch of fuckin’ idiots!  They didn’t even say ‘You look nice’?!  With low hanging fruit ripe for the picking?!  Hahahahaha!”

That’s what I thought.  Because you see, I’m way too smooth to be that stupid.  Hahahahaha!  Idiots!

“What are you laughing at?”  said Mrs. Huttsez from the living room.

“You gotta read this great message from a friend of mine who was away on a chick weekend and they all talked about when their stupid idiot husbands epically failed to get laid.  It’s pretty sad.”

My wife came and read the message.  When she was done, she pursed her lips and looked up to the ceiling-

“Let me see if I can remember if you’ve epically failed.”

At which point I immediately thought-

What?!  That’s ridiculous!  Never happened!”  

It took Mrs. H all of 2 seconds before she said-

“Oh yeah, here’s one!  At my brother’s wedding, I asked you to watch Aleena while I got ready for the rehearsal dinner.  I had literally just stepped out of the shower, and you got called away for something, and you said something like ‘I gotta go take care of something for a second, I’ll be right back’, and you took off but didn’t come back.  So, I had to get dressed and take care of Aleena, so it took longer to get ready because you weren’t there to watch her.  And then you suddenly showed up saying ‘Hey what’s taking so long?  Everyone’s in the trolley!’  I looked really good in my silk dress, had gotten ready while watching Aleena, and that’s what you said?!  Remember that?”  She paused for that to sink in.  “Did you get laid that night?” 

no i didn’t.

“What’s that sweetie?  I couldn’t hear you.” 

“Ahem.  Umm... No, I didn’t.”

“So I guess that makes you..... what was it that you called those guys?”

Bollocks.  Well, there you go.  Undeniable enormous idiot status.  And deservedly so.  Complete and utter twat*.  

 *For my American readers, please say “twat” with a short A as in apple.  And it means idiot.  Not a woman’s genitals.  However, if I ever say “fanny” that will be a woman’s genitals, not her arse (ass).  Which is why  English people think that American tourists are hilarious with their “Fanny Packs”. 

So, what was I doing instead of watching my daughter while the missus got dolled up?  Well, you see, I was on “official reverend business”.  My brother in law and his fiancee had asked me to perform the ceremony for them, and I’d been busy taking care of some deeply important ecclesiastical duties throughout the day.  Meeting and greeting, rehearsing the ceremony, and in this instance, drinking beer with the groomsmen.  Yes, I know.  Twat.  I got caught up in the moment (got a little buzz on), and completely spaced out watching the little one, as I had said I would.  Smooth.

Mrs. Huttsez, to her credit, didn’t even raise that much of a stink, which she was overly entitled to do.  We were, after all, on our way to the rehearsal dinner, and she didn’t want to sully the good feelings in the air.  She’s a good woman.  But she gave me a proper bollocking when we returned from our night out.  And I deserved it.

Now, as I sit here writing to you, I realize that it must be a very common mistake that guys make.  The evidence is all there-  my friend’s eye opening message, and my own “epic fail” laid it out plain as day.  All I had to say was “You look great.  I’m so sorry I didn’t come back in time.  I’m an idiot”, and I’d have been rhythmically nestled between my wife’s legs.  A place I quite like to be.

Listen up, guys,  New Golden Rule Alert-

ALWAYS TELL YOUR PARTNER THAT SHE LOOKS GOOD WHEN YOU’RE GOING OUT TOGETHER.  EVEN IF SHE TOOK AGES GETTING READY.  EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A GAZILLION YEARS, AND SHE ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF YOU BECAUSE SHE TAKES TOO LONG DRESSING.  GET OVER YOURSELF SO YOU CAN GET INTO HER!  IfyouknowwhatImsaying..

That’s what I’m going to do from now on.  Because I like pussy.  If you don’t like pussy(?!), then continue being an idiot.  Your call.

Here’s a picture of the Huttsez Clan in the back of the trolley, on our way to the rehearsal dinner.  I’m the one with the toddler, not getting laid....

That’s it for now."No sex for you. You come back 6 weeks!"

 

I’m a twat- @huttsez

Don’t fail.  Go “like” Huttsez’s Facebook page.  Please.  You look really great.

 

Thanks for reading.  See you soon,

Huttsez

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