The First Time My Son And I Had “The Talk”  

My son (The Spazmatician) is about to turn 13, and will soon be embarking on a dizzying journey of furious masturbation, if he hasn’t already (shudder).  And when this does happen, and his gonads are in full working order, he will become deeply obsessed with trying to have sex all the time (again with the shudder).  It’s like a disease.

We’ve already had “The Talk” a long time ago when he was 8, so I know he’s got the basics.  I also know that eight’s maybe a bit young, but he forced my hand.  Here’s what happened, pretty much exactly- unfortunately, I’m not exercising my poetic license.


He had a friend over after school one day, and I dozed off in Manchair for a half hour, a little siesta that is enjoyed by many a carpenter apres work.

When I awoke, I noticed that the computer wasn’t on the table, where I’d left it.  Hmmm.  

Went into my son’s room, where he and his friend were hanging out, my computer closed on the bed.  Hmmm.

“Hey, Duncan?  You know you’re not supposed to use the computer without permission, right?”  

mumblemumble Iguessso mumble

“Ok.  Umm, so what were you guys doing?  Did you go on the internet?” 

mumble yeah mumble welookedatsomestuff”  I started to fear the worst.  They were looking super nervous, and I was even going with the “good cop” approach.  Hmmmmmm.

“Oh, yeah?  Like what.”  Just answer the question, sir, and we can all go home...

justsomestuff mumblemumblemumble.”  They both looked pretty pale as they glanced back and forth at each other.

“Ok, cool.  Just checking.  Have fun guys, I’ll leave you to it!”  Keep them guessing, right?


As soon as I got out of his room, I opened the computer and went straight to history to check up on what they were looking at and.... Bollocks!  I was looking at a list of sites that you really don’t want your 8 year old seeing.  I hung my head as I read down this prolific list of mind-warping porn that my son and his friend had just endured.  Because I hadn’t been “on it”.  I’m an idiot.

In the interest of seeing what kind of damage control I was going to have to do, I clicked on a few of the sites with the worst sounding names- a selfless act if there ever was one.  I unfortunately started with “anal sluts cum shot”, and .... umm.... yeah, not good.

Hey Dad? What's 'Slut Playground'...It was two young women going at each other’s arses hammer and tongs, with these MASSIVE strap-ons (massive is actually too little a word- ginormous?).  Close up shots of the “brown eye” in mid coitus- the full on.  Oh, man.   And then at the end these two guys suddenly appeared, wielding these big, purple, scrote-waxed salamis, and threw their “yogurt ropes” all over the young actresses faces!  Really, really, really not good.  Where do you even start to explain that to an 8 year old?  Jesus Harry Christ. 

When the friend’s Mum showed up to get her son, I was still processing the whole thing, and I chose not to tell her on the spot.  Also, I wanted to wait until after I had spoken to The Spazmatician, so I’d have more information to give her.  Also, I wasn’t looking forward to telling her.


After they left, my son and I had a talk.

“So, you know that there’s a way for me to check what stuff you were looking at on the internet, right?  And I looked and saw all the stuff that you guys looked at, and...uh, it was pretty crazy, wasn’t it?  It must have been pretty scary seeing that, huh? 

He just looked at me with his mouth open.  I could see his brain saying “What?  We’re busted?  I though we’d gotten away with it!”

“It’s ok, Pal, I’m not mad, I just want to talk about what you saw.  How did you guys end up at those websites?”

“Umm, we googled ‘sex’ and just kept clicking on a bunch of stuff.”  And you ended up at “anal sluts cum shot”?!  Oy vey.

“Ok.  So, how did that stuff make you feel?”

“It was weird, Dad, I don’t want to grow up and have sex!”  Oh man, you gotta be kidding me.

“Well you know what?  That stuff isn’t real, it’s a movie, and they’re... ‘actors’.  Real sex is never like that, Pal, because real sex is about love and tenderness and affection and it’s actually very beautiful.  So...”  I could literally see his skin crawling with discomfort, poor little guy.  But we had to go on.

“That stuff you saw wasn’t about love at all, because it’s more... about the.... gross side of sex, which hardly anyone ... does... really.  I guess that there’s just some grown-ups that are a little crazy and gross, you know?  But that stuff’s all fake anyway, so don’t worry about it, ok?”  It was not easy trying to discuss a horrendously adult topic in a non-adult manner.

“Umm, so they weren’t umm having sex?”  A valid, but squirm inducing, question.

“Well.... yes, they were.  But it was fake, and remember what I said about some people being a little crazy and gross?  Well that was them.”  If there is a hell or not, I shall surely burn for not just bloody well SETTING THE PARENTAL CONTROLS!  IDIOT!

I stopped there.  I needed to circle the wagons and come up with a plan.  So I put him in front of Finding Nemo, to buy some time.  It later occurred to me that he might now forever associate Nemo with the day his youthful soul was destroyed.  Great.

After a little deliberation, I decided to go with the “sex is for making babies, but because it’s fun, people like to do it more than just to make babies, and it’s nothing like that stuff you saw” approach.  I also thought it wukka chukka wukka chukka wukka chukkawould be funny to youtube up some animals getting it on as an ice breaker, so I could say something like “See, Pal?  Everything has sex!” while we watched some crazy bison porn.  He seemed to take to it well (the animals shagging was a big hit), and we covered a lot of ground about sex- both emotionally and biologically.

Here's a link to an animal mating video, and some of you may recognize the excellent soundtrack.  It's very silly.  Go Ahead...

I feel like I was able to steer him away from any permanent damage, I guess we’ll see soon enough. 

So, that was my first talk about sex with my son from four and a half years ago, and it’s definitely time for “The Talk 2.0”.  With an emphasis, perhaps, on masturbation etiquette.  

Right, well that seems like a good place to stop.  I guess the next blog will be called “The Talk 2.0”.

That’s it for now.


“Oh yeah, that’s it, that’s it.. I’m gonna tweeeet!”  @huttsez

I’m sorry for that last sentence.  If enough of you go and “like” the Huttsez facebook page, I promise never to do it again.  Right this way, please.


Thanks for reading.  See you soon.


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Reader Comments (2)

Thanks for reminding me to set Parental Controls asap... although my son is at this stage more likely to google the answers to all the science stuff his history/poli-sci-major dad can't answer... Better thwart mishaps before the they hap.

April 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRechavia Berman

I think I am just going to enjoy the hell out of the current household obsessions of Thomas, Legos and Star Wars...then I'll just go curl up in a fetal position and rock myself to sleep...

May 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChris Dorr

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