About a year ago, my wife joined a local mothers’ club. You know, cool events for the kids, meeting other mums and their kids, having speakers that come and talk about kids, kids kids kids kids kids. We both thought it was a great idea. Nice way to meet people in our community and all that. Now, because she’s an interior designer, Mrs. Huttsez naturally volunteered to help with decorating for the events, and very quickly found herself as “Co-Chair of the Events Committee”.
Being the “Co-Chair of the Events Committee” meant that my wife would be going to a lot more mothers’ club meetings. You know, for planning. And because this club is some 2000 women strong, they have a decent budget. As in a lot.
Now, you can’t expect these meetings to be held in someone’s home, right? I mean, that’s a lot of work for whoever has to do it, you know? So, they hold all their meetings in restaurants. With a lovely dinner. And loads of wine. And The Club pays for it.
One recent evening after rolling in rather jovially from her planning meeting, Mrs Huttsez was quite talkative.
“It was totally fun, thanks for asking, Sweetie! We figured out the idea for the spring event in about 20 minutes, and then we all just started drinking good wine and having really great conversations! It was soooo fun!” My brain and I decided to dig a bit.
“Um, did anyone get sloppy?” we asked.
“A few women were pretty close, in fact someone made a joke that ‘Mothers’ Club meeting’ was actually a code for ‘partying like we’re in college’. Everyone cracked up, it was soooo funny!” My brain and I went into a huddle.
“Did you hear that, man?” said my brain “It’s basically ‘Ladies Night Out Club’ with a few events thrown in to cover their tracks!”
“Holy Shit, you’re right!” It was like a curtain had been drawn back and I could see “The Wizard” as he really was. “That’s......................Brilliant!”
“Damn right it’s brilliant. What is it, like, three nights a month that they meet? That’s a pretty good amount, man! Wouldn’t you like to go and out and party for free, too?”
My brain had a good point, even though the thought of “partying like we’re in college” didn’t actually sound that fun, for obvious reasons. But it would be fun to down a few jars of ale and knock back a shepherd’s pie in a manly establishment full of manly comestibles and good cheer. Perhaps this establishment would have a dart board and pool table, both of which are highly conducive to...... planning.......... things. Right?
I asked my wife to see if any of the more veteran members of her organization might know of any fathers’ groups/ clubs with a similar, shall we say, “approach”. She came home one night soon after from an evening of frenzied planning, and handed me a flyer.
“Here ya go, you’re gonna love this.” said the convivial Mrs. H.
I looked down at the flyer and was drawn to one of the pictures right away. It was a picture of a guy, half his face out of the frame, with his eyes closed getting a kiss on the cheek from a little girl. All blissed out. My brain was not impressed.
“Oh, for fucks sake! Are you serious? She gets to guzzle wine and we end up with sanctimonious wankdad?"
“Hang on, there’s another picture. Don’t be so quick to judge. Maybe they’re actually cool and arty” I’m always trying to chill my brain out, which is not easy as he is an idiot.
We looked down at the picture. Silhouette shot from behind of a dad walking hand in hand with two small children, slightly stooped as if engaging perfectly with his kids, who were craning their heads up to him for whatever gem of fatherly greatness he was proclaiming. At least, that’s the way my brain saw it- the cynical bastard.
“This is complete bollocks.” he snorted.
“Well, I’m gonna check out their website anyway.” I said back to my rather huffy friend.
The website popped up with a calendar of events, which I stopped reading after the first one. Here’s why:
This Saturday the 3rd we’ll all be meeting for our monthly “Grab The Tyke And Hike” at 8:30 am. This month we’ll be doing a nice forest hike up to the falls. Come join the fun! Bring plenty of sunscreen, drinks, and healthy snacks to share!
My brain, as always, was quick to offer an opinion.
“Wow.” he said shaking his, um, brain(?) “What is happening to men these days? Group hiking? Sharing snacks? ”
“Come on, take it easy.” Again calming my brain. “What’s wrong with taking your kid out for a nice little hike on a Saturday morning?”
“Plenty. First off, you have to carry the little anvils on your back in one of those baby rucksack things, which isn’t going to do you any favors, Mr. Threeherniateddiscs. And second, would you rather hike or watch football? Because, as I’m sure you’re aware, that hike is planned during prime football viewing time. Touche, Biatch!” Even my brain has his rare moments of clarity. I just wish he wasn’t such a dick about it.
Since then, my brain and I have felt a little apathetic about our chances of finding a cool dads’ club that we could relate to, and we really haven’t pursued any other avenues. Mostly due to laziness and fear of finding more of the same. So. If anyone knows of a cool dad’s club with a huge budget that meets in pubs that serve a nice pint of Guinness, and has a position open on the planning committee, and is in the North Bay Area of SF, please let me know. Here’s a few of my event ideas as an ad hoc kind of audition:
Dads of 10 year olds and up: Don’t forget that we’ve got our annual Dad’s Club “Let’s All Shoot The Kids Paintball Extravaganza” in three weeks. As usual it’s Dads vs. Kids, so bring your A-game. There will be some protective vests for the kids from the good folks at Paint Ball Jungle. These come in two colors: neon pink and hunter orange, with matching head gear. Don’t want to lose sight of them in the woods! Sign up space is going fast, and did we mention that it’s free? By the way, I’ve been told that Dr. Steve is bringing some brownies, ifyouknowwhatImsaying. Shazam! (planning meeting next Tuesday 6:30 pm at Lucky O’Drinky’s, so come down and we’ll getting our planning on!)
We’ve got three choices that look great for next month’s “Dads’ Night Out At The Fillmore”- Willie Nelson, the reunion tour of The Specials, and The Meters. We’ve got 30 tickets for each show, and they’re going quick! And yes, Dr. Steve is going. (The Fillmore committee is meeting at Paddy O’Gluggy’s on Wednesday the 19th, 6:00 pm in the poker room)
I want to join that Dads’ Club. I want to join it so badly that I would clone myself, so that I could join it twice. Would anyone like to start this club with me? Is “Bay Area Rad Dads” too goofy? Anyone got any ideas? Let me know, please. Let’s make this happen!
My brain has informed me that he’s working on another mothers’-club-related-story tentatively titled “Mothers’ Club Wars”. I can’t wait... really.
That’s it for now.
I’m not very good at Tweeting, but sometimes my brain is. @huttsez
My brain wants your brain to go “like” Huttsez on facebook.
Thanks for reading, see you soon,